"This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can't criticize Barack. Ooh, that's racism. And you can't go after McCain, because that's elder abuse." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?"
--Jimmy Kimmel

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four."
--David Letterman

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy."
--Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this phenomenon that keeps happening at Barack Obama rallies? Apparently women have been fainting. They're so taken by his speeches that they're passing out. Well, today it happened at one of Hillary's speeches, and luckily Bill ran into the crowd and gave her mouth to mouth."
--Jay Leno

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut."
--David Letterman

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender."
--Jay Leno

"I don't know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don't worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. ... Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes."
--David Letterman

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country For Old Men,' which I think was also John McCain's campaign slogan."
--Jay Leno

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count."
--Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'"
--Stephen Colbert

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor."
--Jay Leno

"I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life."
--Jay Leno

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