"I don't get this. Hillary Clinton's been bragging all year long that she's been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There's a medical term for this -- 'slow learner.'"
--Bill Maher

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. ... Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'"
--Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?"
--Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around."
--Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?"
--Jay Leno

"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him."
--Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset."
--Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate -- I don't even have to finish the joke, do I? -- because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s"
--David Letterman

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'"
--David Letterman

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO."
--Jay Leno

"Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself."
--David Letterman

"Isn't that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party."
--Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment."
--Jay Leno

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