"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?"
--David Letterman

"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming
-- Hillary thawing."

"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'"
-Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement ... which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. ... The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license."
--Jay Leno

"Tonight's Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice."
--Conan O'Brien

"After the debate they go into these spin rooms -- all the people from the various campaigns -- and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. ... Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. ... And Rudy's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife."
--Jay Leno

"Last night was the premiere of 'Dancing Around The Issues,' otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. ... The three Democratic frontrunners said last night ... that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can't project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the 'Bush plan.'"
--Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters."
--Jay Leno

"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up"
--Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages."
--Jay Leno

"They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys."
--Jay Leno

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