Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking when Rudy Giuliani was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'"

"Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it'll be 'Law & Order' versus 'Cold Case'?"
--Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one."
--Jay Leno

"Last night, Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in."
--Conan O'Brien

"During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president"
--Conan O'Brien

"Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil."
--Jay Leno

"In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton's campaign, former President Clinton says, 'Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart.' Then he said, 'Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don't turn me on.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Speaking about his Mormon religion, [Romney] said he can't imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can't imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal"
--Jay Leno

"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other."
--Seth Myers

"At the Reagan Library last night, President Bush's name was only mentioned once ... in the entire debate. But to be fair, you often don't hear Bush's name mentioned in libraries."
--Jay Leno

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club."
--David Letterman

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