"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men."
--Conan O'Brien

"When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn't be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy"
--Jay Leno

"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever."
--Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"There was the first debate last night between the eight Democratic presidential candidates. Tonight your votes were tabulated and Dennis Kucinich, you are ... going home. He has been voted off. If only it worked like that."
--Conan O'Brien

"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032."
--Jay Leno

"John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake ... especially in the back, where they didn't feather enough." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal -- the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. ... How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] ... Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose."
--Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani ... now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, 'Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor ... when the world was attacked ... on 9/11?'"
--Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican."
--Jay Leno

"The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It's a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money ... John Kerry is now hitting on her."
--Jay Leno

"A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced -- some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy."
--Jay Leno

"Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he's raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he's raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's raised two children."
--Conan O'Brien

"Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That's something Hillary hasn't felt in 20 years -- a man breathing down her neck."
--Jay Leno

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