"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife."
--Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, who is a Mormon, is reeling from reports that his great-grandfather had fives wives and at least one of his great-great-grandfathers had twelve. That poor bastard had to register at Crate and Barrel 12 times. And that's back when all they sold were crates and barrels. ... The word 'polygamy', of course, comes from the Greek 'poly' meaning multiple and 'gamy' meaning reasons not to vote for Mitt Romney."
--Stephen Colbert

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems."
--David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, 'I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling.' I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy."
--Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Tom Vilsack announced today he has dropped out of the race. The reason cited? He's Tom Vilsack. ... Now the hard part -- telling his supporter"
--Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama was endorsed by former Senator Tom Daschle of South Dakota. Daschle is the first major Democrat to endorse Obama, and the first person in South Dakota to see a black man."
--Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It's getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential."
--Conan O'Brien

"Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain 'a great senator and a very good friend.' Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it's so much easier to pronounce than Giuliani."
--Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has his first presidential campaign commercial. In the ad, which is now running, Romney says, 'This is not the time for talk and dithering in DC.' Making him the first candidate to come out against 'dithering.'"
--Jay Leno

"Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. If he wins, he'd be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them." --Conan O'Brien "Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history."
--Jay Leno

"A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. Eight people now want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard."
--David Letterman

"Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president. Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president. Barack Obama would be the first black president. And Dennis Kucinich would be the first hobbit president."
--Jay Leno

"Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing 'the cheating husband.'"
--Jay Leno

"John Kerry has announced he will not run for president in 2008. But, he has not ruled out losing in 2012."
--Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in."
--Jay Leno

"John Kerry has announced that he will not be running for president in 2008. So that means the Democrats are just going to have to find another way to blow the election."
--David Letterman

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